333. What I Learned About eCommerce Selling Dildos on the Internet

If you’re new around here, that episode title might’ve caught you off guard.

If you’ve been with me a while… you already know.

While I’ve spent over two decades in the retail industry, it was my seven-year stint at an adult novelty company (yes, we sold dildos on the internet) that truly launched me into the world of eCommerce.

When I first joined the team, we were mostly a brick-and-mortar operation with 13 stores around the country. The online side of the business? Practically nonexistent. We had a white-label eCommerce site we barely touched, and whatever sales came in were more of a happy accident than a strategy.

Fast forward a year and a half, and we decided to bring eCommerce in-house, and I took over that entire division. At the time, it was just me and a part-time employee packing boxes. I managed all the inventory, uploaded every product, handled customer service, wrote every email, posted on every social media channel, all of it.

It wasn’t technically my business… but it sure as hell felt like it.

I had a lot of report cards and a lot of eyes on me. And because of the kind of products we sold, I also had a lot of obstacles most eCommerce founders will never have to face — shadowbans, ad restrictions, judgmental platforms that didn’t want anything to do with our content.

So we had to get scrappy. We had to focus. And we had to double down on what actually worked.

That experience shaped the entire way I approach eCommerce, and today, I’m sharing the biggest business lessons I learned from those seven years behind the scenes.

Whether you’re struggling to grow, burning out from trying to do all the things, or just ready to finally build a business that actually supports your life, these are the lessons I wish every product-based founder could learn before they hit the wall.

Let’s get into it.

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Lesson 1: Constraints Keep You Focused

When you can’t do what everyone else is doing, it forces you to cut out the noise and figure out what really matters. 

Because of the nature of the products we sold, we were shut out of a lot of marketing channels. We were shadowbanned on social media getting terrible reach, we couldn’t run paid social ads, and there were plenty of other partners and platforms that didn’t want to work with us. 

There were a few times we tried to figure out how we could get through the firewall of Facebook Advertising. We talked to reps there, we looked at what other people in our industry was doing and discussed internally what it would take to make that happen. 

While I wouldn’t necessarily call it a complete waste of time, because having clarity was nice… when we finally decided to just focus on controlling the things we could control, we saw a lot more online success. 

For us, that meant embedding ourselves in our local communities where we had stores, partnerships with influencers and educators in our niche, SEO, Google Ads, and of course, email marketing.  

And I know… you hear me say this all the time but truly, less is more. When you spend your energy focused on doing more of what you already know works vs. trying to chase every new marketing trend you’ll get a lot further, faster. 

If you’re currently coming up against constraints, weather it’s because you sell a restricted product like CBD or sex toys, or just in terms of time and resources, use that to your advantage. 

Instead of seeing those limitations as roadblocks, start seeing them as boundaries that point you toward what matters most in your business. 

Lesson 2: Your Owned Audience is Your Most Valuable Asset

We’ve all heard it before — “don’t build your business on rented land.”

Whether it’s relying on Instagram for traffic, or marketplaces like Etsy and Amazon… this is putting the fate of your business in someone else’s hands. 

That’s not to say you shouldn’t use these platforms at all.. They’re convenient, have built-in traffic, and are great for visibility and discovery until they’re not. 

We’ve all heard the horror stories of Etsy shops getting shut down for unintentional trademark infringement, brands getting knocked off on Amazon, and losing all reach to your social media audience. 

As I mentioned earlier, as much as Meta says shadowbanning isn’t a thin, they lying. I saw firsthand how often our content was suppressed, even though I tried so hard to be careful what we said, what we showed, etc.

And if you lost your footprint on these platforms, that’s it. You have no access to these people. That’s why your owned audience, your email subscribers, and customer records are so important. 

If you’re only building your business on platforms that don’t belong to you, you’re not building a business. You’re building an account. 

And honestly, this is a classic retail lesson. 

When I had my brick-and-mortar boutique — way back before Instagram even existed — I relied on two things to drive consistent sales: email marketing and good old-fashioned clienteling.

I would literally pick up the phone and call customers when something came in that I knew they’d love. I’d shoot them an email to say hey, your size is back in stock — want me to hold it for you?

That kind of direct connection? It created loyalty. It drove revenue. And it built a real relationship between me and my customers.

You don’t need social media to be successful. You need a way to reach your people — and a reason for them to keep listening.

The best time to grow your list was yesterday. The second-best time is right now.

And look, growing your email list is only half the battle.

Because if you’re not actually emailing those people — if you’re not showing up in their inbox, staying top of mind, and giving them a reason to care — they’ll forget you exist.

Your email list isn’t just a backup plan in case Instagram ghosts you.
It’s your most valuable marketing asset — but only if you use it.

That means sending regular campaigns. Creating automations that work while you sleep. And most importantly… treating those subscribers like real humans, not just data points in your dashboard.

Because when you use email intentionally, it becomes the one marketing channel that continues to work — even when everything else feels unpredictable.

Lesson 3: Old School Marketing Works

One of the things that surprises people when I talk about that business is how much of our success came from old school marketing.

We’re talking radio ads. Billboards. In-person events sometimes with a radio DJ there. Direct mail. And of course… email marketing.

Nothing flashy. Nothing trending. Nothing you’d go viral for on TikTok.

But it worked.

Why? Because it was all part of a real omnichannel strategy.

We weren’t trying all the latest things hoping it would work, we were intentionally hitting our customers from every angle, like a pinball machine. A little nudge here. A reminder there. Another touchpoint when they least expected it.

Each individual tactic may not have done much on its own. But together, they created a customer journey that built trust, brand recognition, and long-term loyalty. 

It’s easy to get lost in sauce when you’re down the rabbit hole of trending sounds and coming up with the most clever subject lines ever. Fun fact: I don’t actually think subject lines are all that important, your relationship with your customer matters more. Most people see the sender before they see the subject line. 

Marketing isn’t about the individual post, or the perfect call-to-action, or the latest algorithm hack.

It’s about consistency across channels. It’s about being where your customer is — not just where the platform tells you to go.

And honestly? Some of the best-performing campaigns I see from my clients today still lean on the same “boring” stuff:

• Sending a well-timed email
  
• Re-engaging past customers with a postcard
  
• Showing up IRL at a market or pop-up
  

Old school doesn’t mean outdated.

It means tested. Proven. Reliable.

And when you combine those tried-and-true tactics with modern tools like automation or segmentation? That’s when the magic really starts to happen.

Lesson 4: People Care More About the Outcome Than the Product

You might think your customer cares about the material, the ingredients, or how long your product took to make.

But what they actually care about is how it’s going to make them feel.

They’re not buying a candle because it’s hand-poured with coconut soy wax.

→ They’re buying it because it makes their home feel calm and cozy after a long day.

They’re not buying your jewelry because it’s 14k gold-filled.

→ They’re buying it because it makes them feel confident on a first date or polished in a big meeting.

They’re not buying your planner because of the layout.

→ They’re buying it because they hope it will help them finally feel in control of their time.

People buy with emotion and justify with logic.

That’s just how our brains work.

Yes, product details matter. But they’re the supporting character — not the star of the show. The transformation is what sells. The outcome is what hooks people in. The emotion is what makes them click “buy.”

I saw this firsthand every day in that business.

We weren’t selling sex toys. We were selling confidence. Intimacy. Relief. Empowerment. Excitement.

 For some, it was just about getting the Big O. For others, it was bringing excitement back into their relationship. It was. Combating loneliness on the road. We had a lot of long-distance truckers as customers. It was feeling sexy and confident in that new piece of lingerie.

When we spoke to those outcomes in our marketing, not just the product features, that’s when our emails converted, our return rate dropped, and our customers came back for more.

So the next time you’re writing an email or a product page, ask yourself:

Am I just describing the product?

Or am I painting a picture of the life my customer wants, and showing them how this product helps them get there?

That’s what moves people. That’s what sells.

And honestly? That’s what builds a brand that actually means something.

Lesson 5: Small Tweaks Compound Over Time

If you take nothing else away from today’s conversation, let it be this:

The goal isn’t perfection… It’s progress.

When you’re wearing a million hats in your business, it’s so tempting to go looking for the one big change that’s going to “fix everything.” The perfect funnel. The magic ad. That one email strategy the gurus swear by.

But more often than not? It’s the tiny, consistent improvements that actually move the needle.

And this shows up in every area of your business, from your backend operations to your product pages to your email marketing.

When I think back to how I generated over $300k a year from email in that business, it wasn’t one genius idea or some viral moment. It was small tweaks over time. Testing different content types. Shifting our messaging to focus more on the outcome people wanted. Noticing that return requests spiked for a specific product, and creating a post-purchase email flow to educate customers and reduce returns.

The more you do something, the more you learn, and the better you get at it.

But here’s the part I really want you to hear:
Most people never get those results because they never give themselves permission to just start.

They procrastinate setting up email automations because they think it all has to be perfect. Like if they can’t build out the entire customer journey from welcome to winback, then it’s not even worth trying.

But that’s just not true.

Even just starting with one flow, or optimizing one email in your welcome sequence,  can make a difference. And then you build from there.

This is not about doing it all at once. This is about doing it well. 

Progress compounds. But only if you give yourself the chance to begin.

Lesson 6: Not All Customers Are Created Equal

Not every customer or email subscriber is going to turn into a raving loyal fan, and that’s okay. 

Some people will buy once and disappear. Some will join your list, never open an email, and ghost you forever. Some will be loyal for a long time and then drop off.

All of this is normal, to be expected, and is just part of the game. 

Yes, it’s cheaper to keep an existing customer than it is to get a new one. And I’m all for strategic winback and re-engagement campaigns for a last-ditch effort. 

But the truth is, the best way to keep an existing customer is to stay consistent and keep them engaged… not expending all your time and resources trying to hold onto someone who has one foot out the door. 

If they’re not paying attention, they shouldn’t be your priority. The more time and energy you put into trying to bring those people back, is less time you have to show up for the ones who are already there. 

Focus on being proactive and keeping people around rather than chasing after them when they signal that they want to leave. 

The Takeaway

So, what’s the big takeaway from all of this?

Running that business, with all its restrictions, limitations, and curveballs, taught me what actually drives sustainable eCommerce growth.

It wasn’t hacks.
It wasn’t social media trends.
And it sure as hell wasn’t trying to do all the things for all the people.

It was about clarity, consistency, and doing the right things better over time.

That’s what I want for you too.

Especially when it comes to your email marketing — because whether you’re burnt out on social, frustrated with your reach, or just ready to create a system that sells without constant hustle, email is the one channel that will always show up for you… when you set it up right.

I couldn’t have generated the results I did in that job if I didn’t get really damn good at email marketing.

And I know we’ve talked a lot about email marketing on this podcast. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you if you were sick of hearing about it.
But also? I kinda hope that my constant harping is what lights a fire under your ass.

To finally get your automations up and optimized.
To get back on track with weekly campaigns.
To stop overthinking it, and just start sending.
And to remember that it’s okay to let other things in your business go if they’re not serving you.

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